You might think that the holidays are the least likely time to have great sex.  What, with relatives, shopping stresses, and a plethora of social engagements it seems easy to get disconnected from our intimate partner.  However, I invite you to reconsider that perhaps the holidays are the perfect time of year to have the hottest sex ever!  I have five main reasons why: darkness, temperature change, gift giving opportunities, intimate gratitude, and the taboo.

First of all, we have less daylight.  Why is this important, well, darkness increases attraction, which increases arousal.  Did you ever wonder why candle light dinners get you in the mood?  Or why all the women in darkly lit strip clubs are so attractive and sexually charged?  Darkness causes our pupils to dilate which is arousing to potential lovers because it is a sign of arousal and sexual availabilty.  At one time Women would put the herb Belladonna in their eyes to dilate their pupils so that they would be more attractive.  But becoming more attractive isn’t the only thing that dilating the pupils does.  See, all the sphincters in the body are connected, when one dilates so do the others.  Our mouths and our nether regions have sphincter muscles, which means when our pupils dilate we are more receptive and open sexually.  Who would have thought that more darkness equals more sexiness?

And what about the change in temperature outside?  At least here in the US the majority of us experience a drop in temperature during thanksgiving, christmas, and new years.  Ever heard that song “Baby It’s Cold Outside” ? I think it’s one of the sexiest holiday songs ever!  The chilly temperatures encourage snuggling and cuddling up in front of a romantic fireplace with a lovely bottle of wine.  If your parter expresses that they are chilly, it’s the perfect opportunity to warm them up with your own body heat!  And the weather is a perfect excuse to stay over at a new lover’s house or to languish in the warmth of your bed in the morning- after all it’s cold outside!

During the Holidays we have the opportunity to give gifts.  Certain gifts stimulate the production of a hormone called Oxytocin.  This hormone is part of having a great orgasms and it helps you to bond more deeply with your partner.

Here are some Spicy holiday gifts (within your budget) that will keep your love life as hot as chestnuts roasting on an open fire!

-Sensual Massage- buy a bottle of massage oil, coconut oil is great, you can get it online or at the health food store.  You can usually get this for under $20.  Wrap it up with a tag that says “Good for a One Hour Erotic Massage”.  If you don’t know how to give an erotic massage you can get a book to go along with it, mine (RED HOT TOUCH) is $10, or download a video.  Add a little chocolate and you have a chemical recipe for love and sex, since chocolate is not only an aphrodisiac and mood lifter it also is great for your heart.

-Hot WAX-Soy Massage Candles- Jimmy Jane makes a great one if you want to buy one, or you can easily make them at home. Usually cost under $20. The great thing about these is that you can pour the warm wax on your lover or even paint it on their skin.  Blindfold them if they are up for it and play with the warm wax and paintbrushes!

-Liberator Heart Wedge-This one is a little bit higher on the budget being over $50, but so worth it.  This wedge helps to elevate your sex life by giving you the opportunity to explore new positions.  At first I thought to myself “What can a piece of wedge shaped foam do for me…but trying it was awesome! You can hit her g-spot by elevating her or reach his p-spot (prostate)…its’ great!

- It’s Slippery, Wet and Organic-  My new favorite lubricant is Aloe Cadabra.  It’s 95% organic and it helps make your nether regions soft and wet.  There’s a misconception that something has to be wrong with us in order to use personal lubricants, but really it’s just better when it’s wetter.  And if you are breastfeeding or going through menopause lubricant is a must.  If you love your partner and want them to have more pleasure, use lube!  This is a great little stocking stuffer at under $10.

What does your man or woman really want Santa to bring them? (Hint: It’s not a sweater or a pair of slippers.)

For Men- Give him a sexy strip tease and role play- don’t be afraid to play a little sexy santa’s wife or helper…take some strip tease classes or pole dancing classes…what is your inner erotic holiday creature.  Here’s another opportunity to use a little sexy holiday music.  How about Madonna’s version of “Santa Baby” to go along with santa strip tease?

For Women- Guys, how about learning how to really pleasure her…take some erotic education classes on-line…learn how to touch her, how to kiss her, and don’t think you’re an expert…most couples I work with the women are not satisfied or they don’t even know what is possible…so once you learn, present the information in a  unique way.  Set up an erotic spa where she gets to be pampered and pleasured like a goddess.  You can role play as her erotic rock star…make it a surprise.

Besides physical gifts, the holidays are also about expressing our gratitude for our lover, husband, or wife.  One of the best Thanksgivings I ever had was when my partner and I decided to stay home all day long and make love.  During the lovemaking we started to whisper to each other what we were grateful for about our relationship and one another. “I’m grateful for your wonderful touch.”  “I’m grateful that you are touching my clitoris right now!”  This is another way to induce Oxytocin and it brings a new meaning to whispering sweet nothings in each other’s ear. It was some of the best sex I have ever had.

Finally, you can’t leave out the taboo. What would happen if you invited a little bit more taboo into your holiday?  How about sending each other naughty texts during a holiday party?  Or what about even sneaking off for a quickie during a shopping excursion?

How do you keep the spark of intimacy and passion alive, in and out of the bedroom, during a time of year when many couples are just too stressed and exhausted to maintain a physical and emotional connection? It goes back to the taboo, you have to let it feed you during the holidays…

-Surprises are important- Mystery plus Obstacle equals “hot Sex”.  Having sex in the department store dressing room has mystery and obstacle written all it.

-Let your kisses linger- who cares about what your family thinks…showing we love someone is more of what the world needs.

-Touch spot secrets- small of the back, nape of the neck, shoulder rubs, ear lobes; touch these areas on your lover’s body during your next social gathering.

-Scheduling your Intimacy time (I call this a Season’s Meeting)- it’s okay to schedule it out when your schedule get’s crazy, if you don’t it might be well past the new year before you’ve had an erotic interlude with your partner.

-If your family is really crazy, it might actually bring you closer together, because your partner is a sane, safe person in your life.

This Holiday season I invite you to try it all.  Play in the darkness, with the sparkle of holiday lights twinkling in your eyes.  Let the cold outside be inspiration for generating a little or a lot of body heat together.  Give gifts that inspire sensuality and togetherness.  Play with being grateful and acknowledging what you love about your sexual relationship.  And finally let the taboo feed your passion.  Happy Holidays, may they be filled with a whole lot of merry lovemaking and ho, ho, ho hot sex!

Tweet This Post

Are You Peeing or Ejaculating?

Pink Champagne bubbles bursting to the surface and giggling on their way there.  That’s how I would describe the orgasm that comes with ejaculation.  I didn’t start ejaculating until I was almost thirty,  it took me a year and help from a willing partner to learn how let those waters flow.  My cheeks flush, a feel a rush through my body and I giggle, a lot.  Every time I ejaculate I have to tell myself that it isn’t pee.  I get self conscious and I think to myself “what if this time it really is pee?” But it never is, it’s always that deliciously sweet divine nectar with a scent of the forest after a summer rain.

I get a lot of questions about female ejaculation.  What is it?  Where does it come from?  Isn’t it just pee?  How do I learn to do it? How do I get my girlfriend to do it? As usual, there is a lack of research available when it comes to deep understanding about the physiology behind female ejaculation.  Here’s my understanding from my experience of learning myself and my “hands on” experience helping many women and couples to experience this type of orgasm.

Ejaculate from a woman differs from ejaculate that comes from a male body.  First of all, there isn’t any sperm in the fluid, it is mostly a watery substance that comes from our blood.  The G-spot, also known as the Urethral Sponge is a tube of erectile tissue that surrounds the urethra.  Inside of the urethral sponge are paraurethral tubules that sit next to the erectile capillaries.  As the capillaries fill with the blood, liquid from the blood crosses into the paraurethral tubules, filling the sponge with ejaculate.  The ejaculate enters the urethra through paraurethral ducts and if the conditions are right this fluid is expelled through the urethra (the opening just above the vagina).  Otherwise it is pushed back into the bladder, where it is urinated out later.  According to Sheri Winston, author of Women’s Anatomy of Arousal, it works very similarly to “let down” that happens when a woman is breastfeeding.  I have to say that in my own body it does feel a lot like that.  I can feel my urethral sponge filling with fluid and there is such a relief when that fluid is released.  This tells me that Oxytocin, the love and bonding hormone, may play a role in female ejaculation, which explains why many women need to feel safe and connected before they can ejaculate.

Female ejaculate does come out of the urethra (which where you pee from), which is why many women are afraid that they are peeing.  But what is interesting to me, an one of the things that tells me that it definitely isn’t pee, is that it just keeps coming and coming and coming.  Sometimes I wonder how my body can produce that much fluid.  When you go pee you urinate until there is noting left.  But when a woman ejaculates she can keep going and going and going.  In my experience each ejaculation gets bigger and bigger and bigger.  Sometimes the first ejaculation is just a little trickle, but by the fifth orgasm is might be a small bucket’s worth of liquid.  This is one major clue to the fact that female ejaculation isn’t pee.

What should you do if you are worried about the “pee factor”.  First and foremost, if you are a woman, you might want to try ejaculating by yourself, so that you can see that you aren’t peeing.  Try it in the shower or the bathtub.  i find that water really helps me to relax and let go.  If you are a man and you partner is wanting to ejaculate you can make her feel at ease by letter her know that you don’t care if she does pee on you and reassure her that most likely it won’t be pee.  If it’s the mess you are concerned about I highly recommend the Liberator Fascinator Throe.  I use the throe when working with couples and they always exclaim how great it was for them to be able to relax and not worry about making a mess.  It also saves your sheets and makes cleaning up really easy.  You can also have some extra towels on hand to wipe off with if things get really messy.  Mess can be fun too!

Tweet This Post

Jaiya talks about some her favorite sex toys to use during oral sex.  Men and women can enhance their pleasure with g-spot toys and prostate stimulators.  Listen and learn as Jaiya shares some ideas to inspire your inner erotic virtuoso.

Tweet This Post

YAY! NWSE’s newset video release, Oral Sex for Couples is now available. Join Jaiya as she talks about the making of this amazing new series.

Tweet This Post

Have you ever been so stuck in your head that when you try to have sex with a lover you can’t focus on what is happening in the moment?  When sex is just about to begin is often when my mind starts going crazy.  It’s like a monkey jumping around saying “look at me, over here, no over here, hey you, HERE!”  as it jumps from thought to thought to thought.  You may have experienced monkey mind at any moment during sex.  It’s that voice that starts drifting away from your lover’s touch, away from the pleasure in your body, and starts solving problems, or thinking of some past event.

There are a lot of tools to help massage the monkey and calm him down.  You can try breathing, you can try a variety of body sensations (like slapping, nibbling or tickling), you can try making sounds.  But one of the most powerful  methods is through the use of erotic story telling.

Sexy story telling works, especially for the female brain.  In my sex research I’ve learned that women’s brains are different than men’s.  Women can get really turned on through their ears; which leads to their brain, which leads to turn on down under.  I was recently working with a student enrolled in my Ultimate Lover training, he’d had a major break though with his girlfriend when he told her an erotic story.  He virtually controlled her orgasm.  He used lots of details to engage her senses.  He described what the characters looked like, how they behaved, what they smelled like and how they touched her.  He put her into the story, which activated her mind.  The subconscious mind doesn’t know the difference between the imagination and what is real.

Try this exercise.  Close your eyes. Imagine your kitchen.  On the   counter is a ripe, juicy lemon.  You take knife and cut the lemon in half, then in fourths.  You pick up the lemon, smell it, place it in your mouth and bit down on it, the juice fills your mouth.  As you imagine this notice what happens in your mouth.  Erotic story telling not only helps the mind to focus on the sensual realm, it can also affect the physical body, which you may have experienced when you imagined the lemon. This is a perfect example of the mind not knowing the difference between the real and the imagined.  You can use this during sex.  In my student’s case he was able to get his partner so aroused with words that on the command to have an orgasm she came.  Now that he had this new found awareness that sexy talk was a turn on for her, he could use this to help her get into her body and experience pleasure even more.

Since I am a sex educator who has to practice what she preaches I had to try it for myself. My monkey mind was in full force, so I asked my partner to tell me an erotic story to see if it would work.   I closed my eyes as my partner started to lightly stroke my body.  He put his lips close to my ear and started setting the scene.  I was in a room with only a table.  My partner placed himself in the room, sitting in the corner, watching the scene,  He described every detail and how I reacted to the situation.  By body responded.  He hadn’t touched my genitals at all and I was wetter than I have been in a very long time.  The best part though, was that my mind was completely focused on the story and visualizing everything he described.  This led to one of the most sensual and erotic experiences we have had together.

I highly recommend trying it out for yourself.  It may feel a bit weird at first, but once you get the hang of it, it can be really fun.  If you are telling the story make sure to be really descriptive, describe the setting, the colors, the smells, the feelings, the sounds in the room.  Describe what is happening in your lovers body. “You feel his hands on your breasts and you body shivers, you start to breath deeply as you feel his body close to you.”  It might help to actually read some good erotica for some inspiration.  If you are receiving the story it helps to close your eyes and really let you mind go to the places where your partner is taking you.  You may even want to to tell your partner what kind of fantasy your would like. Perhaps you want a little bondage, or maybe multiple sexual partners, perhaps you want to play with a new vibrator in your mind, or what about getting an erotic massage in a foreign land.   Remember that you can go anywhere in your head and there is no shame in playing in your mind.  When you get really good at this you and your partner can take turns driving the story forward.  The biggest tip I can give you is to have fun, be open, and let yourself really get into it.  Erotic storytelling is a powerful aphrodisiac, it gets you in a sensual headspace, and can take your body into exquisite pleasure.  Try it, you might just discover (like I did) that you like it!

Tweet This Post

By Jaiya

I admit it- I have touched myself.  It started a very long time ago.  Perhaps it might be taboo to admit, but I have enjoyed every encounter of self love that I have had the pleasure to experience.  I have another confession; touching myself has been my greatest journey to self awareness.  Yes, masturbation can lead you to a greater sense of yourself and overall well being.

I’m not fond of the word Masturbation, which has roots that mean “to pollute oneself”.  I prefer to say Self Pleasure.  You might have no problem with the word or the act or maybe just thinking about petting yourself makes your cringe.  Either way, it’s time to start thinking about self pleasure in a new light.  When I was training as a Sexological Bodyworker we had an assignment to do a Self Pleasure exploration everyday for a week.  It was a very powerful experience.  I had loved myself the same way since I was a teenager, I found it difficult to cultivate a “practice of self-awareness” at first.  I felt self conscious even though I was alone.  I had always been good at touching myself, but now I was fumbling.  The first day I made myself a bubble bath and lit candles.  I put on some relaxing music, and I started to just touch my own hand.  That’s all.  That was my self pleasure practice for the day.  It started me thinking about what we define as masturbation.  I discovered in that week that I have an entire body that likes touch and pleasure. ( I also discovered that I had a repetitive pattern injury in my knee stemming from my masturbation habit.)  I developed a lot of awareness around my body, my breath, my habits, and most importantly I developed a way to tell my partner how to I liked to be touched.

May is an entire month dedicated to Solo Sexuality.  There are many men and women who are celebrating the safest form of sex and sexual empowerment through the art of self pleasuring.  I invite you to join us as we discover that Self Pleasure can be a pathway to greater self awareness and sexual health.  Here are some ways to practice this art:

1. Set aside time to give yourself a sensual massage, make it a long sensual journey that includes you whole body.
2. The next time you are self pleasuring notice your breath, are you breathing?  Notice your body tension.  Are you relaxed or tense?  Notice your thoughts.  Are you present with yourself or drifting off somewhere?  Once you notice these things see if you can deepen your breath, stay present with the sensations in your body, and relax while being highly aroused.
3. Break a habit or pattern- If you always use one hand, change things up, use both hands or the opposite hand.  If you always stroke or rub the same way, try something different.  Try touching other places on your body, include all of your body.
4. Create a Ritual- Set an intention for you self-pleasure experience.  Perhaps you want to love yourself more, get in touch with your sexuality or enjoy life more.  Whatever the case, setting an intention can be very powerful.  After you set your intention begin breathing in and out of your mouth.  Notice each breath, notice your body.  Next, begin some self touch.  You can work your way to orgasm or just relish the pleasure of the moment.  Some of my favorite self pleasure rituals involve  Firebreath Orgasm, Tantric Practice, Erotic Trance Dance and Taoist Erotic Massage.
5. Journal- I find it very valuable to journal about my experiences.  I love to write about what I noticed, what I discovered about my body, what thoughts or ideas came into my consciousness while I self pleasured.  This can be a great practice in helping you to overcome shame around touching yourself.

You may be really surprised at the benefits of a self pleasure practice.  I have noticed that my skin glows, I feel more energized and my libido is boosted.  The grandmother of female masturbation- Betty Dodson- amazes me.  She looks at least 20 years younger than she is, and she has more vitality than most young adults.  She is filled with aliveness.  So not only does self pleasure help you gain more self love and greater self awareness, it helps you improve your health and longevity!

Join me!  I have been inspired to do an extended self-pleasure practice for 101 days straight.  Many people have already asked if they can follow along and join me.  I will be posting updates about my journey each day, so be sure to stay tuned as I do a non-explicit video blog.    Join me for a day, a week, a month or take the 101 day challenge along with me!

Tweet This Post

How many orgasms can a girl have?  In my case, I can sometimes have as many as 20 in a short self-pleasure session.  Today on my radio show Victoria from Eden Fantasys talked about the weekly contest on Eden Cafe and I couldn’t resist.  I want to check out this new massage wand!  But then I realized that I haven’t even tried the famed Hitachi Magic Wand and that just made me feel like less of a sex educator.  When I went to EdenCafe.com I read through the description of the Inspire and saw the list of other pleasure wands.  At first I thought I would just compare the Inspire to the Hitachi, but when I saw the list I thought to myself that I just have to do a “wand competition”.  The contest is ON!  

But I have to take it even further…I’m reading this book by Douglas Brown about a couple who committed to 101 days of sexual intercourse.  I noticed that my comment on the Eden Cafe site was 101, I took it as an omen.  What if I commit to 101 days straight of self-pleasure?  It’s genius!  So stay tuned.  I’ll report about which wand pleases me most, what toys do the trick, and what manual/massage techniques turn me on most.  First step: Make a Plan and Get a Sponsor (this might get expensive!)

Tweet This Post

Want to learn a sensual massage that can increase your sexual energy and desire? Erotic Intelligence begins with knowing how to relax your partner and stimulate their libido!

Tweet This Post

I was an Vocal Performance Major with a concentration in Operatic Studies when I began my early education in academia.  Little did I know that what I was learning as a vocalist would apply to arts in the bed chamber.  I pride myself on being very agile with my tongue, lips and mouth and I have been honing in on certain techniques that I learned when studying singing that helped me become and amazing giver of oral pleasure.

One of the biggest culprits to a singer is tension; jaw tension, tongue tension, neck tension and believe it or not pelvic floor tension.  In many of my classes we were given exercises to help us have an awareness of tension and ways to release tension.  You may not even be aware that neck and jaw tension are having an effect on your abilities as a lover.  So the first step is to notice. Are you clenching your teeth, are your shoulders up around your ears, is your tongue curled up in your mouth?  To test your tension try actually tensing these areas as you take a nice deep breath, then relax the tension as you exhale.  Other ways to help relax tension are through massage, stretching and movement.

Breath is incredibly important to singers and equally important to lovers.  How deep can you breathe?  Try it now, take in a long sip of air, enjoy every moment of it. And when you think you can’t take in anymore air, take another quick sip.  Fill your lungs to capacity. Now, see how long you can let that air out, let it slowly slip from your body as you relish the exhale.  And again, when you think you have exhausted all of the air see if there is a little more to let go of.  The inhale and exhale are equally important. When I was training as a singer there was a period of time when I lost my voice. I went to a special doctor who tested my lung capacity, took pictures of my vocal chords in various states, and gave me exercises to improve my vocal health.  He had me do a particular exercise to help increase my lung capacity and work my vocal muscles.  Take a deep breath in, completely fill your lungs, exhale with an “eee” sound on a steady pitch that is comfortable for you.  Hold the “eee’ for as long you can, expelling all of your breath.   Repeat a number of times and experiment with different pitches.  Why is this important to being a better oral giver?  Well, there are many techniques during oral lovemaking that require you to use your breath as you will see in the next technique.  And, the deeper your breath, the more you feel.  That means that the more you breathe the more pleasure your body will give you. 

Are you ready to send your partner soaring in ecstasy?  Just like a great piece of music can give me tingles and set my mood, this next technique may send your partner to greater heights of pleasure.  Why?  Well, it mimics a vibrator and it’s a fun, unique sensation that is great for stimulating the head of her clitoris or the head of his penis.  It requires a little practice, but most importantly: relaxation.  Keep your lips and jaw relaxed.  Take a deep breath, filling your lungs completely (remember the previous exercise and take in as much air as you can), allow your lips to be completely relaxed.  As you exhale buzz your lips.  If your lips stop buzzing either tension is creeping in, or your breath is no longer supporting the buzz.  Once you can buzz your lips for about 6-10 seconds, you are good to go.  The next step is to try lip buzzing against your own finger.  Hold your index finger to your lips, take in a full breath, exhale and buzz your lips.  When you have this down it is time to apply it to her clitoral head or the head of his penis.

Another great oral secret that I learned from my training as an opera singer has to do with building strength and greatly improving the dexterity of the tongue. Stick out your tongue and point it, now begin to write a sentence using only the tip of your tongue.  Rest for a moment, now stick out your tongue and keep it flat, and write a sentence.  Alternate back and forth between a flattened tongue and a pointed tongue as you continue the exercise.  Notice which one is easier for you.  After trying this in the air (air tongue), you can try it on your partner’s genitals.  Guys use the pointed tongue to write on her clit, or a flattened tongue to stimulate her vaginal opening and urethral opening.  Girls, use your pointed tongue to stimulate the area between his testicles and anus and a flattened tongue to stimulate his shaft and head.

As the voices of great opera singers lilt through my office I am once again reminded that everything involved in creating a spectacular sound is also involved in creating spectacular oral loving.  From breath to posture to relaxation, a few adjustments can make all the difference in the quality of both your giving and receiving.  So, put on your favorite aria and treat your partner to some virtuosity as you hit all the right notes.

Want to know more about Oral Lovemaking for Couples? Look for my newest series and e-course where you can learn over 120 techniques for cunnilingus, fellatio and more… coming summer of 2010.

Tweet This Post

Jaiya was invited to take part in a revolutionary new video about female pleasure and the g-spot, learn from Jaiya and other experts in this awesome clip!

Tweet This Post